Every couple argues, but how you argue is what matters, according to one expert. Angela Cook, a psychologist and well-being coach, says that the way you communicate is essential. Cook identifies six behaviors that can silently destroy connection, trust, and long-term stability in relationships.

Six Things to Avoid

1. Contempt: Outwardly showing contempt can stoke a fire rather than help you come to a solution. This includes eye rolling, mocking, and sarcasm. Contempt is the number one predictor of relationship breakdown, as it communicates superiority and humiliation, triggers shame, shuts down emotional safety, and erodes the bond faster than any other behavior.

2. Stonewalling and abrupt withdrawal: Stonewalling refers to emotionally shutting down in an argument and refusing to engage with your partner. Going silent or walking out without agreement isn’t being the nice one or the calm, it’s emotional abandonment. This can lead to the other partner’s nervous system going into threat mode, resulting in a raised heart rate, cortisol spikes, and panic.

3. Identity and blanket attacks: Absolute statements like ‘you always’, ‘you never,’ and ‘you’re too sensitive’ are important to avoid. These are cognitive distortions that attack the person, not the behavior, invalidate emotional reality, and activate defensiveness. The brain shifts from connection to self-protection, leading to communication collapse and intimacy shutdown.

4. Threatening the relationship: Lashing out at your partner with threats like ‘maybe we should split’ or ‘I’m done’ is never productive. Threatening the bond you and your partner have activates primal fear circuits. Even if said in anger, the nervous system stores it as truth, making the relationship never feel safe again and leading to hypervigilance.

5. Scorekeeping and weaponizing the past: Dragging old wounds into a current argument overwhelms the partner’s working memory and derails the conversation. Unresolved pain needs repair, not ammunition. This teaches your partner that vulnerability will later be used against them, killing emotional openness.

6. Mind reading and assuming intent: Accusing your partner of something stops you both from reaching an understanding. This is a cognitive distortion, not a fact, and makes your partner stop feeling seen and start feeling attacked, as the argument becomes a battle of motives, not a search for truth.

Original reporting: KTBS 3 (Shreveport) — read the source article.