When writer Jeannie Vanasco’s mother stopped speaking to her, the prolonged silence left both women feeling powerless and uncertain. Vanasco, 42, eventually chronicled the experience in a memoir, noting that the silence strained their bond even after her mother, Barbara Vanasco, 84, moved across the street.
Why the Silent Treatment Persists
Psychology professor Harry Reis of the University of Rochester describes the silent treatment as “not really silent.” The absence of words sends a clear message: “I’m angry with you.” Researchers say the behavior is a deliberate form of social ostracism used after a conflict or perceived slight.
A 1997 survey conducted by Kipling Williams, professor emeritus of psychology at Purdue University, found that more than two‑thirds of Americans admitted they had given the silent treatment to a loved one, and about 95 percent reluctantly acknowledged using it on others. The practice remains common despite its harmful effects.
Consequences for Relationships
Williams warns that the silent treatment can weaken relationships and even lead to their dissolution. The person delivering the silence stays angry and frustrated, while the recipient feels confused, rejected, and isolated. Brain‑imaging research shows that social ostracism activates the same neural pathways as physical pain, leaving both parties feeling a loss of control and self‑esteem.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, clinical psychologist and co‑founder of the Gottman Institute, emphasizes that “silence has incredible power” and can be devastating to a partnership. Ximena Arriaga, a Purdue professor, adds that being ignored threatens fundamental human needs for belonging and acceptance.
What the Research Suggests
Levi Baker, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, notes that most people actually prefer direct communication because it eliminates guesswork about a partner’s feelings. In studies, individuals who used the silent treatment often did so to test a partner’s commitment, but the tactic rarely changes the behavior that sparked the conflict.
When the silent treatment is used repeatedly, both parties may feel guilt, powerlessness, or a lingering sense of distance. Over time, this erodes the quality of the relationship and can foster resentment.
Healthier Alternatives
Gottman recommends taking a structured break during heated moments rather than stonewalling. A pause of 20 minutes to 24 hours allows emotions to settle. During the break, partners can engage in calming activities such as a short walk, yoga, or listening to music.
After the break, Gottman suggests returning to the conversation with a clear plan: state when you will resume dialogue and what you hope to achieve. If a partner continues to give the silent treatment, writing a letter can help articulate feelings without the pressure of an immediate face‑to‑face exchange. An example line might read, “I feel abandoned and frustrated because I don’t know when we’ll talk again.”
Both parties should also express willingness to apologize for any wrongdoing and to avoid repeating hurtful patterns. Extending an “olive branch” in this way can restore trust and reduce the emotional distance created by silence.
Local Insight
For families in Texas, these findings reinforce the importance of open, respectful communication within homes and churches. Parents and grandparents who model honest dialogue help younger generations develop healthy relational skills rooted in Christian values of love, forgiveness, and mutual respect.
By choosing direct conversation over the silent treatment, couples and families can protect their relationships from unnecessary pain and strengthen the bonds that hold their communities together.
Original reporting: Texarkana Gazette — read the source article.
